Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

house sitting!

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.