Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

where’s Godzilla when we need him