Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

2022 be like

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.