Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”