Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
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My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Seems legit
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.