Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news