Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

Botany good plants lately?

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..