“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”![]()
You Might Also Like
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
![]()
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.