Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
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Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*