Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
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I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.