Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Follow me for more fitness tips.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Bringing home a sharpie
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?