Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.