Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom