Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
making sure he doesnt get away
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.