Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay