Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

I just ran a .003048K

🏠

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.