Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

Don’t we all.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”