“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
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*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet