“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Body by cheese-puffs.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”