“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
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Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Already got one
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.