Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.