Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

Going to church you guys need anything

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.