@So504real

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

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@AnOrangeSNES

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

@bananainches

Guys, I just got myself a new liquor cabinet!

The salesperson keeps calling it a 3 bedroom house for some reason. but its a liquor cabinet.

@sarahclazarus

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

@cdncyn

Dear parents with unattended children they will be given 4 red bulls and a kazoo

@KeyLimeShy

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

@RodLacroix

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

@TheAttachedGF

You think we should see other people? I’m bipolar. I am other people.

@gayIorswift13

At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he also wanted to be a writer, but his friends bullied him for it. Taylor made him promise to ignore them and follow his dreams.
That boy’s name? William Shakespeare.