Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Me: I want McDonald’s
Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Mom: I want grandkids
Me: Do you have grandkids money??
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What if sun screen is really just a seasoning rub created by aliens.
Guys, I just got myself a new liquor cabinet!
The salesperson keeps calling it a 3 bedroom house for some reason. but its a liquor cabinet.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Dear parents with unattended children they will be given 4 red bulls and a kazoo
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
You think we should see other people? I’m bipolar. I am other people.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he also wanted to be a writer, but his friends bullied him for it. Taylor made him promise to ignore them and follow his dreams.
That boy’s name? William Shakespeare.