Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

BRO LMFAO

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds