Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.