Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

The struggle is real

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses