Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better