Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

*frowns in Scottish*

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.