Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Mistakes were made

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

President The Rock Obama

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

IT’S-A ME,