Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
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Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
🙄😏😂🤣
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
⛄️
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.