Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
You Might Also Like
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself