Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
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Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am