Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how