therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
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Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Huge, if true.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there