*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
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I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.