Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

I think about this a lot