I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
“What’s your band name?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Fastening a pendant around my son’s neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won’t recognize you as an adult without it”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]
JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]
[Jesus and God hi-5]