Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
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Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
serving silly goose instead of turkey
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
BRAKING NEWS!!
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?