Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
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I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.