Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
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*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Autocorrect is my menesis
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
He took my last fry, your honor
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.