Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”

*if vodka could talk

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

Current mood: Potato

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.