therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
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how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded