Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

As a doctor, I can confirm

founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore