Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”