Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
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my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Me, flirting😏
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
won’t smith
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.