therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
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“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.