Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
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Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
Can. I. Help. You.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”