Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
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My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Classic German Shepherd 😂
LOL!
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?