therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
You Might Also Like
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’