therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
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If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
new year update: losing everything but weight
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.