*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
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eating my hot dog hamburger style
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Do not steal food from the science building!
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now