Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

Her: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby, it’s cold outside

Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

Feel. He’s so soft.

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

W

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.