Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

This a good idea

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not