Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

my favorite gender

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.