I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there?
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I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
In Australia, 7 spiders eat you in your sleep every year.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Me: Wake up son!
Son: Just 30 more minutes please
Me: I’m borrowing your phone
Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t