Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there?

Therapist: No.

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[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm


Yes, it’s a dairy farm


Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?


I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.


Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!


I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!


Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.



Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.


Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.


Me: Wake up son!

Son: Just 30 more minutes please

Me: I’m borrowing your phone

Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!


[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t