Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there?

Therapist: No.

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The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.


I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that



[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.


(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it


I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.


When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.


Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?


If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.


Took me three hours to drive home through the snow, but it was worth it because when I got home, my family totally ignored me.