The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there?
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I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that
THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE’S LYING TO YOU!
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
What base is it when your husband accepts your LinkedIn invitation?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.
Took me three hours to drive home through the snow, but it was worth it because when I got home, my family totally ignored me.