the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
john wicks are toilet candles
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I would like even faster food.