I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
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i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Knock Knock
I’m calling the cops.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long