Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
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[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler