Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!