Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
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Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
how was your vacation
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition