therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
me hitting on a model
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
wishing you and yours all the best
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
