Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.