therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
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Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Worth the read.
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.