therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
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Customize Your Wedding.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Always this one for me forever
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready