Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.