Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

[montage of me giving-up]

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

Alexa: *deep breath*

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound