therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
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God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!