Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be