THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
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I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
ouch
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.