Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

it’s the silliest best thing

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

man i love columbo

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

Monday Lisa

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why