[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today